I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just want to make out with him forever
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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