My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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