your thong is hanging out like whoa
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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