Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
