I will die if light touches me.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
