Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
