she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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