He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
