Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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