Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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