Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
