textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
