I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
