Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Less talking, more tequila
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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