So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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