Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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