I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Randomize
