Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
