I can text with my tongue
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
This is my life. Enjoy the view
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
