I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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