Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
