Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
