Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Screwed.edu
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
