Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
