I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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