i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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