Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
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You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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