im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
