i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
