I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
be right there i have to get my cape
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
