the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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