Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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