when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
