omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
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...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
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Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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