You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
