I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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