sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
