Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
