I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
