Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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