I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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