Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
