just come out here and I will go home with you...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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