Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
