He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
