worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
