my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
