The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
