You made me cry and you don't even care
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
