dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
