In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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