...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
