I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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