Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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