So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
