i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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