Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
