Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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