maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
